Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Last Seven Years (Part I) - Kyle & Lindsey

So, we've been married for so long that I don't have many digital pictures of just the two of us. The ones I do have, I am either pregnant or Kaylyn is already here--and of course in this picture too. Sorry...

The most apt description for our marriage is transformative. Serendipity in its greatest form. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut in your life, thinking you know who you are and remain content in this stagnation. When I started college--I was sure I knew what my life would look like ten years down the road. My self-identity was set in stone: I was the "runner" and the student--type-A, perfectionistic. My life's plan was simple--I would graduate, go to law school, be the 21st century "professional woman," wait to get married & have kids when my career was established--and of course be a professional runner the whole time. Well, Kyle was unlucky enough to have met me when parts of my life were slowly being chipped away--and of course, he was there to help pick up the pieces. In 2000, I had knee surgery which essentially brought my running career to a sharp halt. Of course, my life as I knew it was over. When you define yourself in such a unitary manner--it's not that difficult to reach a point like this. I had known Kyle for a year or two--I was attracted to him from the very first time I saw him. We dated on and off for awhile. So, after my knee surgery I took a semester off from school--and who helped move me out of my apartment--Kyle. I remember looking at him when we went out to eat that last night before I moved and thinking "Uh-oh, I think I really missed out on this one." He was the nice, responsible, funny, loving guy that everyone looks for.

Fast forward a few years--we got married on May 4, 2002 and lived in Cary, NC. I think sometimes you have to completely deconstruct yourself before you can build up a version that makes you happy. So, I took some years off from school trying to discover who I was without running, without any preconceived notion of what was expected of me. In the end, after a long-twisted path, I ended up in a place that was half-old and half-new. I'm not satisfied intellectually without having a career, but I want more than that, too. So, I decided to go back to law school, but have kids too--whatever doesn't fit in that equation isn't worthwhile and has fallen by the wayside. Life is a compromise.

So, Kyle & I are complete opposites--he is definitely the better half. Type-A/laid-back, chaotic/organized, serious/humorous. From the start, he has been my best friend, supportive of my search for meaning. He has taught me that there is another, more viable way to define yourself other than "what you do." It's about the lives you touch, being true to yourself. There is nothing more secure than being married to someone you can completely trust & rely on. We're lucky because we found our better halves. The "one" you get in your life. We're also lucky because of our two wonderful little girls--who have taught me sooo much more about life. But that's a whole other blog. : )

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Pumpkin Time with "Mommy Outside"

Well, today provided a chance for me to question--why do some women, like myself, try to "do it all"? I realize that there are some very good reasons to just throw your hands up and admit it's impossible. As happens at least once a week or so, I found myself saying--why don't I just stay home with the kids, instead of starting work with a law firm next year. The instigation for this thought today was simple. With a 2.5 year-old and 11 week-old I most certainly don't have any time during the week to study for school. So, we have a plan on the weekends that I spend a few hours in the morning at Starbucks up the street and a few hours in the afternoon studying. As I started to walk out the door Saturday, Kaylyn said "No, mommy, play with me," and today she ran after me holding her shoes to go with me. But, the more I delay getting any work done this semester, the more stressed I become--so, I had to head on out the door. [Kyle wants me to preface this next comment by saying that Kaylyn was very, very hungry & tired when I got home at lunch]. OK--so, that being said, I walked in the door and she screamed "Mommy's here!" My heart melted--she's happy to see me. Riley was asleep & they were going outside to play before lunch. Well, I walked out behind them, excited about some playtime. Next thing I knew, Kaylyn was in tears yelling " mommy outside." Apparently--just daddy. After watching those huge tears streaming down her face, I didn't have it in me to force myself into her playtime--love her too much to make her cry. But, instead she admitted she was hungry--and after rubbing her ketchup on her face a few times--felt better. This afternoon we all went to get pumpkins near our house. She let me give her a big hug and all was well on the mommy front. Yes, mothers can't have it all--but they can have a few cherished hours of mommy-time outside with their daughters.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Everything is Illuminated

"I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out....[I]n this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine."
- Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer

Life rarely allows us to look through a crystalline lens of knowledge and, often, filters different shades of truth through our narrow vantage point. We sift through remnants of each year, day, minute in futile attempts to paste together some patchwork of what we can call our truth. We are continuously transforming ourselves, a constant metamorphosis of purpose and being. We are sometimes many things at once and, often, nothing at all. Daughter, runner, student, wife, mother. This blog is dedicated to the "rigid search" that is best undertaken together--fighting through it all with the ones you love. I am amazed at the truth I knew when I was young and humbled by the truth I will know fifty years from now. Today the truth I know is that "everything is illuminated" in the brilliance of our life. It is not success, money, pride, but only the realization that there would be an unwavering void if they were not here with me--my husband, Kyle, and two daughters--Kaylyn & Riley. One April 14th, 2006 and August 10, 2008, I realized one of the most important things in my life: it is hard to miss what you never had, but once you experience an emotion, life is forever transformed. Your children take their own tiny place in the world, a niche that can never be replaced--the world would be "different" without them and your life unimaginable without their presence. There is no greater love than that expressed in the fear of not having them by your side. But, greater than this fear is the joyous celebration that is each day you have together. And, that is this blog--a joyous celebration--of our successes, aimless musings, and normal day-to-day experiences. Enjoy....
Kyle, Lindsey, Kaylyn ("Kaykay") & Riley ("Riley Roo") Seitz